


Attack my dreams or destroy my soul

by bloodysteel



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Clarke and Bellamy are together in space!, Alternate Universe - Clarke gets there on time, F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 09:31:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13656225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodysteel/pseuds/bloodysteel
Summary: I thought I would never see your face again, I thought I would die here and there, on earth, while you would be going home.Clarke wrote on her old notebook, next to the drawing of a freckled boy with a big goofy smile. She smiled at the drawing and carried on.But I made on time. You waited, even though I told you to go.





	Attack my dreams or destroy my soul

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to read a FF about Clarke going to space with the others. Not finding it well, I wrote it !  
> It's been ages since I've written FF so please don't be too harsh. Besides, I've written in English for ages either haha  
> The title comes from a french song "Song for a dream" by Indochine, I translated the lyrics  
> Enjoy ;)

_I thought I would never see your face again, I thought I would die here and there, on earth, while you would be going home._

Clarke wrote on her old notebook, next to the drawing of a freckled boy with a big goofy smile. She smiled at the drawing and carried on.

_But I made on time. You waited, even though I told you to go._

“Clarke? You there?” Raven called through the metal door. “Monty eventually figured out a way to make drinkable moonshine and it _might_ actually taste good.” Clarke smiled and rose from her bed, leaving her pen and notebook there. It had been a year and a half since they went up in space. Clarke was trying to write everything down, so she could share her life with her mother when they reunited. She missed her more than she expected when they took off.

Clarke opened the door to find a cheerful Raven. That was suspect. Raven wasn’t truly the moody one but that smile hid something else. She followed her anyway; she needed that drink just like the rest of them. Living in space wasn’t an easy task. Monty and Raven made sure everything worked right but they needed their help sometimes; and sometimes they had nothing to do. They had read all the books that were left – twice; visited almost all the places they could access and even those they could not – Echo and Emori knew every airway of the space station better than anyone.

Raven’s room was next to Clarke’s, they could not be parted much. Bellamy’s room was on the other side of the hallway, far enough to let them intimacy but close enough to be there for them. Bellamy needed them to need him, to feel useful. Being there when Clarke had her nightmare and screamed at night or when Raven’s leg hurt too much for her to rise up on her own was essential to him.

“Bellamy come on!” Raven shouted and they heard him grunt in his room. Something fell on the floor and he cursed. Clarke and Raven exchange a smile.

Life wasn’t bad on the Ark. Maybe a bit boring from times to times, but no one was trying to kill them and it felt good. They missed their friends and family, were they still alive? How was life in the bunker? Raven had tried to fix the communication systems but they couldn’t reach the bunker.

Bellamy came out of his room and the girls stared at him in shock.

“Do. Not. Say. A. Word.”

They burst into laughter. Bellamy grunted and grabbed them by the arm to go join the others. The effect of Bellamy’s appearance was the same on the others. Even Echo couldn’t hold back her laughter.

“Next time you need a haircut Bell, tell us we’ll help you.” Harper managed to say.

Bellamy’s face reddened. He was good at cutting Octavia’s hair but he could never tame his own curls.

“Yeah well if one of you can do something about this.” He said grabbing a rebellious curl popping in front of his eyes. “I’ll be grateful.”

Harper and Clarke exchanged a look and promised him they would take care of it.

“So, after this nice Extreme Makeover moment, can we please taste this sweet moonshine and get wasted?” Murphy said and everyone cheered. Monty put the bottle of moonshine on the table and started serving glasses to everyone. Once they all had full glasses in their hands, they all raised it and cheered.

“To life on the Ark!” Monty started

“To life in the Bunker!” Bellamy carried on

And they all drank up.

“Another!” Murphy said, and Monty complied. “Besides, I think we have an event to celebrate today.” Murphy winked to Raven.

“Yes,” she continued, “I eventually got access to the full old system of the Ark last week and well, it works very well. Including the calendar and the reminders of the birthdays of everyone on the Ark.”

Everybody frowned. They had no idea which day they were since they got in the ground with the dropship. They all knew they were at least one year older than the last time they were on the Ark, but that was it.

“We couldn’t make a cake, but we made moonshine for this special day!” Raven cheered, “So let’s all get wasted for Clarke’s birthday! Happy 19th birthday!”

Clarke turned red. Everybody raised their glass to her and suddenly time caught her back. She was 19. She was no longer a child, a teenager for only a year left. She hadn’t felt so small since they put her in the skybox.

She drank her glass with the rest of them though, and they started telling stories of their past lives. Echo was telling them tales of Azgeda, Emori of her life in the desert and the myths surrounding the hot sands, while the others told them of life in space. They realized they could have met more than once on the Ark, but never paid attention to one another.

Bellamy got his knee badly hurt at eighteen and had to stay two days in the med bay under Abby’s watch. Clarke was surely around but couldn’t remember him though. He didn’t pay attention to her blond locks either.

Murphy and his mother, after his father’s execution, sneaked into Farm’s station to try and get another portion of algae. They wanted to create their own little production in their room. Monty remembered the story, it was his mother who discovered them stealing algae. She did not report them but dissuaded them to do it again.

Harper was at the masquerade ball that saw Octavia arrested. It was a week before she was herself put in the Skybox. She remembered the fuss around Octavia and Bellamy. She wasn’t far from Octavia when they all danced; she wondered who the young girl was. She mostly wondered who the cute guard accompanying her was but she only admitted it after another couple of drinks. Everyone laughed, even Monty who was still disturbed by the thought of Harper sleeping with Bellamy.

“I thought you all knew everybody on the Ark since you were all confined up there.” Echo said. “I knew everyone in Azgeda, at least their names and faces if not personally. We were a lot more than you.”

“You were a chief of war, a leader of your people. I guess it was part of your job.” Bellamy shrugged. “I was a guard then a janitor, my job was to keep people in place or to clean their mess. I didn’t care who they were.”

“I guess Jaha knew all of our names.” Clarke said. “My mother knew most of us. I guess to lead people you have to know them a little, or at least their representatives.”

They were on their fifth glass of moonshine. Murphy and Emori already sneaked out to them whispering dirty words to one another. Raven watched them go with a smile, and glanced at Monty kissing Harper full mouth. These two couples were lucky; they had one good activity to practice when everything else was boring on the Ark. Echo should have died instead of Roan at the conclave. At least Raven could have had someone too. She couldn’t bet on Bellamy. He was already smitten to Clarke and even though it’s been a year and a half, these two hadn’t moved to first base yet.

Echo was spluttering in Trigedasleng to her glass. Raven couldn’t understand her gibberish but she was sure she talked of war and battle. Echo was like a lion in cage; she missed the earth and training with warriors. She trained sometimes with the others but none of them were a match to her.

“C’mon Echo, I’ll take you to your room.” Raven rose to her feet and grabbed her by the arm. Echo grunted but followed her. Echo put her head on Raven’s shoulder and it reminded her of the time the delinquents found out the real effects of Jasper’s special berries. She took a look back. Harper and Monty paid no attention to her; neither did Bellamy and Clarke.

“How does it feel to be closer **_to thirty_** than twenty?” Clarke asked mockingly. “You’re old, Bell.”

Bellamy pushed her with his shoulder but smiled nonetheless. His curls were messy. He made her swear to cut his hair better, he didn’t want Harper to touch his hair. He wanted her to cut it and make him handsome.

“Yeah but they call you _Mommy_ when you’re not around. I’m the fun one, remember?”

“Whatever the hell we want, right?” She mocked him. “I can be fun, but no one ever lets me _breathe_.”

Bellamy peered his eyes at her. “We have too much free time, don’t find excuses princess. It’s your birthday, your time to shine. Go ahead and show me funny Clarke !”

_It’s been a year. It’s been a year and I haven’t had a good night sleep. I can only remember the hard beating of my heart when I thought you wouldn’t make it. I can only sleep when you cry for help in your sleep and let me sneak under the covers to comfort you. I can’t sleep alone in that metal box that floated my mother and hid my sister under the floor._

Clarke held his stare for a few seconds. “Ok. Let’s go.” She grabbed her hand forcefully and dragged him out. She had an idea, she wanted to show him something.

_It’s been a year and you haven’t talked to me about Octavia, about Aurora, about your life on the Ark. I can see their ghosts haunting you. Did you notice that the nightmares ended six months ago? But I heard you shifting endlessly two nights in a row when I couldn’t sleep myself. You cured me from my nightmares, let me hunt your demons while we’re awake._

“Why are we in the Skybox?” Bellamy frowned. He hadn’t come here since they came back.

“There’s something you need to see.” Clarke said, searching for her old cell. The Skybox was gloomy. It wasn’t powered like the rest of the Ark to save energy for the essentials. It was dark and there were weird cracking noises surrounding them, but they both felt safe. It may have been because of the moonshine.

“Here it is.” Clarke pushed the door before them and fidgeted to turn the light on. Then, she let Bellamy in.

He couldn’t believe his eyes. Drawings everywhere. Nature, sky, space, forest and everything that went through Clarke’s mind. He tightened his grip on Clarke’s hand. He felt a bit like an intruder. There was her mother’s face, but also a man’s he supposed was her father. Jake Griffin was a handsome man. He wondered how he still affected his daughter’s life and choices. He couldn’t imagine how he couldn’t be proud of his daughter, but would he like him? Bellamy would have had almost no hesitation killing her when they landed on the ground after all.

That had changed.

“I knew you liked arts, but I didn’t know you were that skilled. I remember the map of Mount Weather that you draw but that is nothing compared to _this_.”

“I kind of stopped drawing so much when we landed on the earth. Between the grounders, the mountain men, ALIE and Praimfaya, I didn’t have much free time.” Clarke said playfully.

“Yeah I get that. I used to read a lot in the Ark. History stories mostly.” Bellamy stopped. Clarke was rediscovering her own drawings, smiling to herself as her hands brushed her old drawings. “Who knows about this place?”

“My mother, I guess.” She eventually answered after letting go of his hand to walk around her old cell. “Raven, too. She searched the Skybox first and reminded of this place. I locked the door afterwards. It was too personal to show the others.” Her cheeks reddened a bit. “I wanted you to know anyway.”

Clarke sat on her old bed. The light was dim and flickering, but he saw her smile anyway. It always lit up the room. Bellamy was glad Clarke brought him there. She did let him in piece by piece. He tried doing the same but the pieces of them were still a bit messy and shattered around the Ark, some were still on the Earth too.

“The room I grew up in is still attached to the Ark.” He said sitting next to her after a while. “I haven’t been able to go in since we arrived.”

Clarke grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Do you want to?” The moonshine was kicking in and Clarke’s head was hurting a bit. She did not want to go right now. Neither did Bellamy. He shook his head and let his back rest against the metal wall.

“My mother’s clothes are still there, at least what I could save after they floated her. My sister’s teddy bear still is too. I think I will bring it down to her. I’m not sure Indra will like the gesture but Octavia surely will.”

“Once you’re ready, we’ll go in.” She smiled at him and he smiled back.

They stayed there for a while, head spinning from the moonshine, staring at Clarke’s drawings.

_It’s her birthday and I can’t even get her a gift. There’s nothing but scrap on this Ark. I can’t draw. I can’t sculpt or create a thing from scrap, I’m not Finn or Raven. She did not get to enjoy her 18 th birthday – we were here but nobody knew. Did she know last year that it was her birthday? I don’t think so. I can’t even say when my birthday actually is from now. I need to make that day special for her. _

She put her head on his shoulder and he snuggled closer to him. Maybe that was all the gift she needed?

“I wish Raven had told me. Maybe I could have got you a piece of metal as a birthday gift! A big square piece of metal from our good old ship.” Bellamy joked.

Clarke huffed. “I don’t need a gift.” She looked up at him. “You’ve already given me one, a year and a half ago.” Bellamy frowned. “You waited. You made them wait when you could all have died.”

Bellamy sighed and grabbed her chin with his free hand. “You would have done the same.”

Clarke smiled sadly. “You know I wouldn’t have. You’re the one with the big heart.” She shook her head free from his hand. “I am Wanheda, the Commander of Death.”

Bellamy was about to protest but she carried on. “I could have caused your death a thousand times. I closed the dropship door. I got you into Mount Weather. You risked your life to rescue from Roan’s grip. I barely stopped the rover from rolling you over when you saved me from the Azgeda warriors. I almost shot you in the Bunker. You waited for me during Praimfaya. I am sorry, Bell.” She hid the face in the crook of his neck.

Bellamy processed what she just told him. He understood her feelings but he couldn’t blame her. “I don’t blame you, or regret putting my life at risks for you, for all of us. I couldn’t let you die alone in Praimfaya, ok? Look, we are still alive as most of the people we love, that’s all that matters.”

“You could have died.” She said, the sound muffled by the contact of her mouth to his neck.

“I didn’t.” She nodded but he felt drops of water running down his neck to his chest. “Hey, stop it. Come here.” Bellamy pulled her away a bit just to make her come into the embrace of his arms. “It’s no fun to cry on your birthday. I thought you wanted to prove me that you’re fun?”

“You know I’m fun.” She muttered between her tears. “It’s just we’ve been fighting for our lives since the moment we met.”

“Yeah you’re right. But I missed the part where you become fun with me.” She rose her head from his chest and punch him in the abs. He played the hurt one. She smiled and put her head back on his chest.

“Normal human fun. Not Azgeda warrior fun.”

Clarke suddenly rose and frowned. Bellamy immediately regretted his words. Echo and Clarke never really got along – that had something to do with some kind of jealousy about Roan, but he was dead so he did not care.

“Let me show you, Bellafunny Blake. Let’s play a game, will you?” He nodded. “Truth or Dare.” He winced. “We’ll take turns. You start. Pick.”

He rolled his eyes. “Truth.”

“Did you have sex with Echo?”

He rolled his eyes again. “Yes.” She opened her eyes wide. “Your turn.”

“Truth.” She feared what he might dare her to do – and what she wanted to actually do.

“Did you have sex with Roan?”

Clarke looked indignant. “Of course not!”

“You had sex with Finn, Lexa and Nylah so I guessed maybe..” He tried to look innocent but failed.

“If we start on our exes, might as well start now on yours so we can be finished once we have to get down on earth, mister Womanizer.” She peered at him. He tried to look indignant this time but eventually conceded that when they got down, numerous girls visited his bed – not that he did not enjoy it, he surely did, but he was still a bit ashamed that he couldn’t remember all their names.

“My turn now. Dare.”

She was taken aback. She had expected them to carry on their truth game, she hadn’t thought on dares.

“I dare you to-“ she hesitated, was it a good idea? “I dare you to try and catch me!” She rose and started running. It wasn’t what he had planned, nor what she thought she would dare him to do.

But he followed her, running fast enough to be close to her, to almost touch her but not catching her. She was giggling loud enough to wake everyone else but it was too much fun running around the Ark after that blond hurricane. He was laughing too. It had been years since he laughed that much.

They ran like this until Clarke eventually got lost and ran into a dead end. That was it. She was caught. Or at least that’s what he thought. He tried to pass him by but as she thought she was free, he caught her by the waist and forced her into his embrace. They both lost balance and ended up on the floor, breathless.

“I think it’s my turn.” He said panting.

“Let me catch my breath first” she answered.

They were lying on the cold floor next to each other. They were in an old classroom. There were still chairs, tables and blackboards. The last class the students took there was math, according to the symbols and numbers written on the main blackboard. Clarke loved math. Bellamy hated it.

“Best birthday ever.” She eventually said once her breath was steady. “My mother never wanted me to throw a party. It was always my parents and the Jahas. No more, no less.”

He pictured them dining algae in a big metal apartment. That might have been good times too. His birthdays were always with his mom and Octavia only. Sometimes he would go to a friend’s apartment and have a drink as a party, but that was it. Bellamy didn’t make friends for fear of them finding about Octavia.

“I’m glad.” And suddenly he pictured her still being on the earth. Dying in Praimfaya. Blood coming from her mouth. Her skin burning red. Her bloodshot eyes. He shivered. “Do you know why they waited for you at Praimfaya?”

“Because they cared if I lived or died?” She asked a bit ironically, her head still a bit messy from the moonshine and the adrenaline.

“Of course. Emori begged Raven to go up. Don’t blame her, I think she was scared as hell and knew you would understand. Echo was stuck in shock. Monty and Harper tried to convince Raven to pull the lever too. Murphy had gone silent. I myself couldn’t realize what was happening, we couldn’t let you go. I told them. I told them about all the times you saved their lives. Raven mentioned the dropship door, she was crying as she started pulling down the lever like you did. Harper was crying too. I started talking her out, Monty helped me. We were buying you time. Murphy went out of his silence and it was him who made Raven let go of the lever. He found a way to get to her, I guess.” He paused. “We didn’t wait.”

Clarke took a deep breath. They were both looking at the ceiling. “Yeah, you did. You bought me the time I needed to get back to you, even though I told you not to. Even though I told to listen to your head and not your heart for once.”

She was sounding almost like she scolded him, but he knew better. She was holding back. “I used my head.” He put himself on his elbow to look at her. “I couldn’t lose you, I guess.” He smiled sadly. “Losing you would have been the end of my sanity. My mother died because of my mistakes. Lincoln died because I couldn’t see things right and it broke my sister. She loathed me for it. I think she’s forgiven me but who knows what’s going to happen when we reunite in three and a half years?” He shook his head and the remnant curls on his head seemed to dance around his face. “I couldn’t live knowing that I had killed you. I’d rather have died.”

“Bell, I-“

“Please, don’t. You think it’s still my heart talking, and I guess it is. But it’s my head, too. You balance me. I can’t be the good me without you. Look at who I was before I knew you? An ass. Look at who I became without you after Mount Weather? A ruthless murderer. I would have gone mad, Clarke.” He shook his head again and she saw tears forming at the corner of his eyes. “I can’t, ok? I can’t lose you. I need you. I can’t face my mother’s ghost here alone. She’s everywhere, every sacrifice she made, her pain when she gave birth to Octavia, the guards she had to give pleasure to so I could become a guard and waste it all.”

He stopped talking when the sobs shook him too hardly. She rose to sit next to him and cupped his head in her hands. “I’m here, Bell, ok? I’ll always be here. I can’t lose you either, you know? I hated myself for all the suffering you went through because of me, because of my absence.” Tears were flowing down her cheeks too. She had wanted to tell him that for so long it was consuming her. “We will get through this together, like we always have. I won’t leave your side ever again.”

Bellamy nodded, and Clarke gently bent his head on the side, going forward into a soft kiss. The most marvelous kiss he had ever had. The most incredible and sweet kiss she had ever given. They both sighed, too content to talk. They parted, knowing they should recover from their emotions, from the moonshine still kicking, and most of all knowing they had all the time they needed to explore what that kiss meant.

\--

**_Next morning, The Ark_ **

Bellamy was woken up by a kick in his ribcage. He grumbled and opened his eyes to see someone escaping his bed. He smiled. Clarke was half naked and as he remembered their night, he had eventually admitted to her his feelings, all the things he had wanted to tell her for so long.

“Going home so soon?”

She turned around looking like a fury. “You called me Clarke last night. Like you did the night before. Like you did in your sleep while holding me. Get drunk as much as you want, but stop mistaken me for your dead girlfriend.” Echo said, leaving the room.

And there Bellamy felt hot tears running down his cheeks. It had all been a dream. And Clarke was dead, because he did not manage to buy her enough time.

\--

**_Next morning, Green Spot on the Earth_ **

Madi crashed on Clarke’s bed, waking her up from the sweetest dream. She was expected to see a freckled face and could not hide her disappointment when she saw Madi. She quickly hid it with a smile, the young girl couldn’t know what her dream was made of.

“The sun is shining! We should go out hunting. I saw a deer wandering around our camp. You promised you would teach me, please!” The girl was pleading with all her heart

“Ok, ok, let’s go. Let me get ready and I’ll join you outside. Shush Natblida!” Madi escaped with a giggle and Clarke was eventually alone. She opened her notebook and took a look at Bellamy’s portrait. “Don’t you even dare cut those curls yourself, ok?” she murmured.

Then she looked up at her ceiling. She secretly hoped that somewhere in the space, Bellamy had shared her dream.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to make it some kind of realistic and plausible to happen in S5.. I think it could be nice to see the dreams they could have about each other (and get some preview Bellarke sex haha)
> 
> Anyway, please don't kill me <3


End file.
